L*VEandH*PE
One

It seems that I will never find the one for me.
The one that makes me content.
The one will make me feel like I don’t have to look any further.
The one that makes me trust again.
The one that makes me complete.
It seems like it will never happen.
Sigghhhh

Story of my life

Story of my life

Anxiety

Once in awhile I have catch up meals with two friends.
One of those friends is engaged.
She said she was going to the courthouse and that was going to be it.
Yesterday I was informed that it will be tomorrow. A ceremony maybe and a reception.
She is family with dumbass.
I don’t know how I feel about this.
My friend asked me to go with him because it’s going to be awkward for him. Ummmm yeah. Right.
It will definitely be awkward for me.
Those are his people.
I might as well have a red scarlet a on my clothing if I go.
I only think he wants me to go because it will take his awkwardness away and on to me.
I am not ready for that.
I spent all day yesterday with my stomach in knots.
Literally.
I had butterflies and not the good kind.
I haven’t fully made up my mind but I don’t think I should go.
I don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
But when will I ever be over this whole situation.
When can we all just let it go and act like nothing happened.
I’m not saying we should be best friends but cordial would be nice.
Platonic.
Sigh……
Here comes more butterflies.

That Girl

I went to a wedding.
I have come to the conclusion that I will not get married.
I always pictured myself with a family. Guess it was not meant to be.
At the wedding, a coworker asked what I thought of this guy.
She then preceded to tell me that he is single ready to mingle.
Awesome.
Not my type.
All night long it was nothing but her trying to “set” me up with him.
How about no.
Not my type.
That is the last time I want to go to a wedding.
When it was time for the bouquet toss.
Yeah.
Yelling at me to go up there.
Yeah.
How about I left.
Actually threw up the deuces and left.
Embarrassing.
I am that girl.
That girl that will forever be alone.

Alone

for when I am weak, then I am strong
I went to church today.
It’s been awhile.
I went because I have never felt so alone.
I went because I needed to.
When I went the above quote was in the second passage.
It was the only thing I could zone in on during church.
A little part of me think it was meant for me to be there to hear it.
I wish there was more.
I wish I had more guidance.
I wish there could be clear signs so I wouldn’t have to guess.
The Lord already knows that I am not good at subtleties or decision making.
And that’s why I am where I am in life.
Because I can’t make good decisions in any aspect of my life.

For when I am Weak, Then I am Strong

Everything

I have regret. I used to and slightly still take people’s opinions into great consideration. I wish I didn’t. I wish I did what I wanted to do. I don’t think I would feel as depressed as I do. I let him slip away and I have no one to blame but myself. I had two chances and I still let him go. I don’t know why but lately it has been laying heavily in my heart. I will forever be alone. This I know. I would rather be alone in a different setting because being in this place with people I know and still feeling alone hurts. I want to be someone’s Everything but karma and life obviously have it out for me.

Waiting

It hurts. Every Time I see his girlfriend on a social network site. It hurts hard. I get these uncomfortable knots in my stomach that make it hard to sleep without dreaming of the situation let alone falling asleep in general. But I’m waiting. Waiting for him to propose marriage to her. And when that happens, I don’t know if I will be able to recover. I don’t know if I will able to accept it. Accept it living here. I recently came back from a small trip and even though I felt lonely there. I feel even more lonely here. In a place that shouldn’t feel so lonely. A place that I should call home. It’s sad that people that live here have ruined it for me. Until then, I’m waiting uncomfortably to hear that he is engaged…..

Deception

I fall in love with people’s potential. Who they could be, not who they really are.

I read this on a wise young lady’s blog and she couldn’t have stated it any better…

NIKE

I need to stop writing about it and be about it. I keep saying how I will get back on track and here we are months later. Nothing changed. I want to try something different. I want to be better overall. Starting with my appearance. I don’t mean that in a vain way but they say you will feel how you look. And I want to feel happy.

Inconsistent

I failed at blogging. I forgot after Hawaii to recap the events and details of the trip. I do, however, have the list of things we did and I am sure just a look at it and I can remember how amazing that time was. I was very fortunate to be able to spend my birthday in Hawaii. Being single, my birthday makes me feel more and more lonely every year. I have no one to make me feel special. I am forever alone……